When asked “what is a masquerade?” People usually reply with “a masquerade is an event where people wears masks, dance, and have fun.” In reality, a masquerade can be someone’s life. They wear masks to pretend to be someone they are not. This “mask” is invisible to everyone except yourself. My life is a masquerade. The mask is not what I feel but rather it’s— a fake.
I wear a mask almost all the time. I would put a mask on so that people won’t worry about me. Sometimes I may be sad on the inside but out the outside I’m smiling. I may be smiling but in reality if I was to take off the mask I might just end up breaking down because my parents had been fighting for the last 2 days.
There were numerous events that I was required to put on a mask to hide my real feelings. Sometimes I’m forced to put on a mask by other people. A few years back, there was this one day my parents had fought about things and some how my sister and I got sucked into it too. We had to go to a party soon so we got into the car and drove there in silence. The car drive there was tense. Everyone was mad at each other and I in particular was both mad and sad. When we got there, my parents got out of the car and immediately put on a smile and greeted the host of the party and walked in all happy. I walked in with my sister and we smiled to the host and went and greeted all the adults: our uncles, aunts, and our grandparents. We got our food and sat down and started eating. My mom came over and asked me a question. At this time I was angry at her so I didn’t reply. I ignored her for the rest of the night until we got home. My mom confronted me and told me I was disrespectful and that I made her look bad in front of all the people. I was shocked. Yes, I knew i was disrespectful but I was the one who made her look bad in front of people? What about her? People don’t know that she was yelling at someone over a stupid argument a few hours ago and now she’s all happy because she wants to look good. What about me and masks? Sure, I also put on masks and I might also be a fake. But, at least I’m not saying to other people that they’re making me look bad.
I’m tired of having to put on a mask for someone else’s or even for my own benefit but yet I still do it. I just can’t stop… It’s a natural instinct. No matter how hard I want to say what I truly feel I just end up running away from it and putting on a mask to conceal my feelings.
Why do I put on a mask to conceal my feelings? It seems that when someone cries, they look weak. I don’t want to be seen as weak. I’m afraid— of being judged because I’m unhappy or mad. If I look remotely sad or just tired, people would come up to me and ask me if I’m okay. One of my friend, although I know she’s just worried, always asks me if I’m okay whenever she sees me tired or with a hint of sadness. I would reply, “yes. I’m okay” but she hears it in an angry tone even though I’m just tired and don’t want to be bothered. Sometimes I would get a little angry with her because its so repetitive. This is why I put a mask. I would smile in front of her just so that she doesn’t think I’m sad or anything. Maybe I should just be honest and not wear a mask. I can’t stop— even if it’s tiring.
(I was suppose to post a blog post about Chinese New Years but I think I’ll save that for next week.)